Sexy no Jutsu Battle
by Lazy Tobi
Summary: Crackfic. Naruto wants to battle Neji by comparing their Sexy no Jutsu girls. He says no, and TenTen puts him up to it with blackmail. Some random crack.


**Disclaimer: **I only own Neji's girl form… I wish I owned Naruto, but the stupid forwarded email didn't work… gaah. D:  
**Warning: **Was on Classic Coke, Lucky Charms (with the mini charms), and honey roasted peanuts. Crack. Just pure crack. Read at your own risk.**  
T**

**- Sexy No Jutsu Battle -**

"Ne, Neji-teme…"

"Teichou."

"Neji-teme, you wanna have a competition? Hmm? Just me versus you."

"No."

"But--!"

"No."

"But--!"

"Shut up."

"No… DAMNIT! He's gone…" Naruto cursed, hands falling through smoke where Neji's shoulders had been previously.

"Want me to pin him to a tree or something?" TenTen asked form her perch above the street on some random building's roof.

"Nah, he can get out of that easy, can't he? Neeee… you could sedu—"

"When someone can seduce Neji-kun, the apocalypse will have happened thrice before." TenTen interrupted Naruto, sticking her tongue out at Naruto as he jumped up to join her on the roof.

"How can we get him to do this?"

"We can't."

"The only question is how, no doubt he can do it…" Naruto went on mumbling to himself, ignoring TenTen's negative output.

"Let's steal Ino-chan's club dress and put him in it while we're at it, figuring out '5 things we'll die and the apocalypse with happen a lot before we can get Neji-kun to do it' things." TenTen laughed, sitting down and staring up at the clouds. Shikamaru was right… watching the clouds was nice.

"I GOT IT! No, no… wait… it's gone…" Naruto yelled spontaneously, a foxy grin on his face.

"I have blackmail over him…" TenTen said, yawning.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?!" He shrieked, making her shrug.

"Forgot 'bout it. Haha, a nude shot of Neji-kun is good blackmail, isn't it?" Naruto's jaw dropped slightly at the blackmail material. He wanted to ask _how_… but then again, he didn't want to know, either.

"I knew you were together, as a couple!" He laughed, plopping down next to TenTen.

"Eh? Me and Neji-kun… dating? I haven't thought about that since I was 13 or something… No, I walked in on him as he was getting out of the shower. Hanabi-chan was laughing when she handed me the camera… she's awesome, that little punk. I can't wait to see his face when I tell him I still have that picture… he thought he got rid of it… baka. Oouu, if he doesn't agree, let's copy the picture and post it up al over the Hyuuga mansion, the spas, send it to Gaara with a love note, post it up all over the village, send it to other people with more loves notes…" TenTen started to ramble, thinking up of devious things to do with that picture.

"You are evil. I like that. Where is that picture?" Naruto asked, rubbing his hands together.

"I hid it in the toilet."

"… … … Do I want to know?"

"Not really."

"Good. Let's go get it now!" TenTen nodded, standing up and pulling Naruto to his feet by his hand. Forming a hand sign with her free hand, she made them disappear in a puff of smoke like Neji had about five minutes before.

"So this is where you live, eh? Not bad, not bad… Itai!" Naruto said, analyzing the apartment before TenTen smacked him upside the head.

"Don't touch anything, don't break anything. Only looking is allowed. Stay put. Do the opposite of what I just said and you'll be a kunai cushion, got it?" She ordered, going into a room. Naruto peered around her at the mess inside of her bedroom, eyebrows raised. From the room he was standing in, you wouldn't be able to guess that the only other room was a complete mess. Around the apartment were pictures, weapons (hanging, standing, basically any way you could put them on display), two small, closed cupboards with used candles around them, books, and furniture of different designs, styles, and colors. It was rather neat, in a pell-mell-looking kind of way. Naruto thought it suited TenTen well right as she came back with a picture (dry, thank Kami) in hand. Her fingers covered Neji from the waist down (pssh, like Naruto would look down there to compare, no way.)

"Damnit, he's got me beat there…" Naruto whined, seeing lean muscles covering Neji's upper body. Of course, he himself was rather muscular, but Neji was even more so than he (not too surprising, seeing as Neji never took a day off from training/missions/ninja life and Naruto was constantly trying to get at least one day off every week).

"And probably down where, too." TenTen snickered, sticking her tongue out at him again as Naruto blushed slightly.

"Maybe not! I mean, seriously, I'm –"

"—La la la, won't listen 'cause I don't care, and let's go find that teme." She interrupted him loudly, pulling Naruto with her free hand out of her apartment and towards the place where Neji trained. He was there, meditating, ANBU mask, vest, sword, and forearm guards sitting next to a bentoo box.

"TenTen, Uzumaki-baka." He said when they arrived.

"Neji-teme, we have BLACKMAIL on you so you HAVE to do the competition in the busy Konoha streets. Got it?" Naruto yelled, grinning like a maniac.

"I have gotten rid of any blackmail material TenTen ever had on me, and you never got the chance to get blackmail material of me, Uzumaki-baka." Neji deadpanned, opening his eyes and lowering his arms.

"Nu-uh, Neji-kun, I have that nude picture of you from when we were 19."

"THAT PICTURE IS FOUR YEARS OLD?!?" Naruto screamed, eyes widening. Why hadn't she used it before? How had Neji not found… oh, wait, it was in the toilet in her bathroom in her room.

"The toilet? Damnit, I knew I should have checked there…" Neji muttered crossly, a scowl forming on his pale face.

"Okay, how do you know this? No one hides things in the toilet! Except for TenTen-chan…" Naruto said, crossing his arms suspiciously.

"Hanabi-hime has hidden thing sin the toilet, saying she got the idea from 'a friend'." Neji said, glaring at TenTen.

"How…?"

"Clogged toilet. Cadet Branch servant. Took off the lid in the back ten years ago. Enough said." Neji replied crisply, standing up. "Now, are we going to do the damn thing or not? Go ahead, lead on, Uzumaki-baka."

"Hey, we don't need to threaten you?" Naruto asked, confused. Most of the time you needed to threaten someone with the things they would do with the blackmail material before the person agreed.

"Knowing TenTen, she'd send it to people with love notes… people meaning people like Gaara-san, the fan girls… she'd post it up everywhere, too. Anything else I'd rather not know." Naruto laughed, nodding at Neji's deduction. He led the odd group to the street right in front of the Hokage's tower, grinning.

"Sexy no Jutsu!" Naruto's clothes male body vanished in smoke, replaced by a naked girl with pigtails.

"Your turn, Neji-teme!" Naruto grinned, pointing a finger dramatically at Neji. Neji raised a brow before muttering, "Sexy no Jutsu."

"OH!" TenTen screamed, a grin forming.

"MY!" Naruto continued, tears appearing in his (her?) eyes.

"KAMI!" She finished, falling down onto the dirt and laughing.

Neji scowled at them, crossing his (her?) arms over his (her?) chest. He (she?) was not naked, but in a bikini-like thing that reminded TenTen of the two-piece she had worn when she was twelve and Gai was testing his team on what they could do in the water (how long they could hold their breath, who could walk on the bottom with chakra, etc). Basically, Neji was there in a girl's body, wearing booty-shorts and a sports-bra-like "shirt". He still retained his pale skin tone, but his muscles and his hair vanished. Like Naruto, the girl he changed into had an hourglass figure, but unlike Naruto, his girl had short hair. His (her?) hair went down to his (her?) shoulders unevenly, flaring out slightly at the tips, and his (her?) bangs only went down to his (her?) chin, no further. Many people were staring, wonder why a respectable Hyuuga and the village baka (and savior) were doing the Sexy no Jutsu… in the middle of a busy street… with TenTen laughing at them (actually, just Neji), a picture in her hands.

"MAN! You're not… you know, naked!" Naruto laughed, tears rolling down from his (her?) eyes.

"Unlike you, I have more… class." Neji replied curtly, relieving himself of the jutsu. Naruto followed suit, still laughing.

"You've never seen a naked girl! Neji-teme has never seed a naked girl!" He crowed, rolling on the road, still laughing with TenTen.

"Best idea ever, Naruto-baka!" TenTen said when their laughter died down a bit.

"Yeah, I know! Who knew Neji-teme wouldn't slash couldn't use the Sexy no Jutsu to make himself a nude girl! Though, if he was nude, he'da looked good… but not better than me! I beat you, Neji-teme!" Naruto agreed, pointing a finer at Neji… who was gone, yet again.

"Damn he's fast…"

"What'd you expect? We were the fastest genin team in Konoha. You think we'd slow down or something with age? Nu-uh, no way. Baka." TenTen snapped, whacking Naruto upside the head again.

**A/N**: _Read four chapters crappy fanfic that shall be unnamed. Got idea. And where TenTen/Hanabi hid thing sin the toilet… it's that back part where the water, which is clean, is kept. I just randomly thought of that… I bet a picture in a plastic baggie would survive because it can float. Anything that wouldn't… I doubt it. Do not ask, m'kayz? I was on… Lucky Charms with the mini charms. And Classic Coke. And honey roasted peanuts (mmm…). There was something else… but I forgot._

_~ Tobi_


End file.
